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Okay, I know what you’re thinking, a ten minute wedding?!?!? Seriously???? But when it comes right down to it, that’s really all it takes…the words “I DO” affirm that you “WILL” take the necessary time to remember all the time that leads up to those words. You know what I mean… the lovey dovey times, the thoughtfulness, the date planning, the right choice of words, checking your appearance in the mirror, proper dress and grooming, conversation…all the things that lead you to WANT to get married in the first place. To spend “all the days of our lives” together, loyally cherishing each other. Immediately after the wedding is the marriage, the real test of those wedding vows…
The marriage roller coaster ride is the one many of us willingly get into the seat for, but sometimes as time goes by, some will try to throw themselves off of, or at least look for a way to jump off when they can. Others will ride on, but they are not in the same seat together. Now, I’m not throwing stones at anyone, we all have free will to make our own choices, that’s how we were created. It takes a real commitment of both in a marriage to make it a marriage. I’ll admit, there have been days when I was ready to jump off, too, but nearly 4 decades later, I’m still strapped in, and I want to share with you what keeps me on the ride!
Mr. D and I met when I was 18 and he was 23, young-ins in life for sure! By most standards, despite our ages, we were mature…we’re both the eldest in our families, we were responsible early in life for others, and, let’s face it, being in the military has a way of thrusting responsibility and maturity on you. Mr. D had a year left in his Army enlistment, and I had just begun mine. Neither of us had considered marriage to ANYONE, we were happy with life as it was. But, when I was introduced to Mr. D, my heart fluttered when he smiled at me, and I loved how his eyes seemed to twinkle with happiness when he caught sight of me. He really listened to me, and held my hand, he spoke softly, and was educated in more ways than by a book. Laughter came easily to us, he was kind, and thoughtful. I know, crazy, little things, so cliche, but oh so true. We hardly had any money, but we pooled our funds and ate out whenever we could, and when we couldn’t, we stood in line at the mess hall, not too embarrassed to be seen “on a date” where the Army bought the meal.
We spent every waking moment together, talking, laughing, and sharing the past of our lives not fully realizing that it would influence our future in so many ways. We were from different parts of the country: him a mid-western man who loved raising horses, reading, and rock ‘n roll; and me an east coast mountain girl who has too much yarn, loves reading, & Elvis, with too many dreams to keep me in my small town for long. Each of us joined the Army for different reasons, but we found that despite our many differences, we shared many things that would help bind us together, least of all love. In three short weeks, Mr. D asked me to marry him, I said “yes”, almost without thought, and 2 weeks later we were married! I can’t really remember all the things our families said when we announced our “engagement” (probably better that I don’t!!), but I’m sure there was some “shock & awe” in the news. You see, Mr. D has always been a steady, quiet man until you really get to know him, not quick to jump into hasty life-changing decisions, except for joining the Army, and asking to marry me. He knew not long after meeting me, that he would get Army orders away, and that heavily influenced his marital decision-making! And so our ride on the roller coaster of marriage started…
I met a couple recently, married 72 years, and I asked them “what’s kept you happily married?” Hubby answered right away “Her eyes…I love to look into her eyes…through the years her eyes have always looked at me with love, in good times, and bad times…eyes just for me!” His sweet wife said “He’s always held my hand…when I was happy, sad, mad, scared, or just because, I knew I could feel the strength in the touch of his hand, and it calmed me”. When I naturally looked down at their hands, they were holding on to each other, not knowing how much longer they would be together…but still holding on.
I’ve learned that that’s part of the “key” to relationship happiness, turning to each other not just to celebrate the great days, but also to strengthen the weak days when life tries to wear you down. Every day there’s new challenges, new seasons of age that bring things you didn’t think about yesterday. No sense worrying about them today, but instead, using that time to strengthen your ties in your marriage so you can “weather the storms” that are on the horizon. To hold on.
Plan DATES for TOGETHER time… we schedule necessary appointments for health, but many times “don’t, won’t, can’t” plan couple time. I know there never seems to be enough hours in a day or money in the bank, but get creative here. Mr. D and I tried to faithfully have a DATE every week, even when we had a toddler and 2 in diapers. Most times those years, the “date” was a HOT meal that we ate together after the children were in bed, sometimes with a pretty, set, table complete with candles, but rarely in front of the TV. We needed couple conversation, and made a rule for the first 30 minutes not to talk about the children, but to talk about whatever our day was about. A few times we had a picnic in our mini-van while it was parked in the garage, or ate outside on the patio, and we both worked on the clean-up and took turns in the prep. I almost always plan the date (we still have them weekly, almost 4 decades later!) even though I relish the idea of just showing up for the date, but, the important part is that we are together. When we could plan for a sitter, we decided where we would go, then dressed our best and enjoyed our time for the recharge. Our kids grew up watching us plan for our dates, and now see the fruitage of their parent’s setting time aside to be a couple. We’re happily still together!
Roller coaster rides aren’t smooth the whole ride, nor are they scary until the end. Ours has been no exception. We banter with each other at times, and I’ve been known to be the loudest when we’re “discussing” anything. We argue, cry, hug, kiss, and hold hands, all in front of our children. They can see it’s ok to disagree, get mad, be sad, scared, or love in life, as long as you have respect, loyalty, self-control, and willingness to work together. It’s tough at times, but definitely worth it.
We’re not perfect, life is not perfect, but together, holding hands, and looking into each other’s eyes occasionally reminds us of our 10 minute wedding long ago, and the commitment we made to each other. To stick beside each other, figure things out, hang-on until the next day, when things always look differently. We hope one day someone will ask us “what’s kept you happily married all these years?” and that our answers will help one more couple to occupy a seat on this great roller coaster of life! Come ride with us!
