“When It Is Dark Enough You Can See the Stars….”

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I’ve always been a star-gazer…not the Hollywood star-gazer type, but the “stars of the heavens” star-gazer…

Many times while in the Army, up and at work long before sunrise and long after sunset, I would gaze at those same stars, feeling comforted by their beauty and constancy in the sky. I could always find Big & Little Dipper, and at least 4,500 other stars to remind me that there’s a bigger world than the space I was in. Amazingly, it didn’t make me feel small and insignificant with all the grandeur around me, but nudged my brain to remind me that even though things in life change, some things remain the same. Grand comfort in a big world.

It is this star-gazing that helps me through my darkest days, no talking, no music, no distractions, just silence & beauty, to meditate on life in general and my life specifically. No advice given, no hugs when the tears come, just alone…not lonely time, for reflection, prayer, thankfulness, deep thought. I usually don’t spend hours, but minutes, not really minding the time spent, but taking the time needed. I can’t see the best star show unless it’s REALLY dark out, so sometimes I have to wait, and busy myself with the chores of life until I can step away and step into just “ME” time. I find myself praying out loud then, confident that no matter how busy I am, God is NEVER too busy for me. REALLY. TRULY. He’s a GREAT LISTENER, and I find myself explaining what he already knows, but it feels great to say it, to admit it, to let it go from the burden of my life. To SCREAM if I need to.

It was here that I could let out all my sadness about my babies lost, our first pregnancy, and the three pregnancies to follow…no babies to hold, no congratulations, no future to plan. Mr. D and I were guarded with details when we found out I was pregnant with baby2, and after the loss, we told no one else of baby3 and baby4. Doctor did many tests… temperature charts to track ovulation (even though pregnancy came easy), a pump attached to my body to give me a dose of hormones at the right time pre-pregnancy(I can’t remember why), rules and guidelines to follow. I felt like someone other than me was managing my body, trying to demand of it what it obviously couldn’t do. After baby3 was lost, Doctor gave me a telephone number to call to check out a support group for “habitual aborters”, a term that’s hard to see even now, envisioning a group of miserable, sad women who’s body wouldn’t give them a baby. Mr. D thought it would be a good idea for me to make the call, he kept his own suffering to himself, and tried to be supportive of most anything for my sake, for OUR sake.

I folded and unfolded the paper with the telephone number on it until I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to read it anymore. I locked myself in our bedroom, with plenty of Kleenex, and made the call. The kind woman on the other end listened to my babble (in my head at least) and asked if she could give me the telephone number of a woman in a similar situation as mine….Kathi was almost ten years older than me, but she had lost three pregnancies and her biological clock was loudly ticking. I agreed to call her, then hung up, and dialed Kathi’s number before I lost my nerve. We talked for a long time, long enough for Mr. D to gently knock on the door to ask if I was ok. Kathi and hubby Mr. R had married, started their careers, landed great jobs, and decided to start their family in their 30’s. Time was not on their side biologically, and Kathi was as worn out as I was with medical testing and the emotional ROLLER COASTER of pregnancy focus. We cried together, laughed a few times, and made a date for the next phone call in a few days.

Kathi was a lifeline, when I thought I could “handle” all of the procedures, tests, and emotional feelings on my own, she was the one person who really knew what it felt like to have your body fail you.

Everyone around us seemed to be pregnant easily and without care, even if they didn’t want to be. We shared how it felt to lose this chance at the identity of “Mom”, or even more into the future, “Grandma”. We discussed our medical conditions and what hope there might be. Kathi and Mr. R invited us for dinner at their home after a while, and we met each other with a bit of trepidation, knowing that seeing each other made it “real”, that we shared the same emotions, not just over the phone, but now face to face. It was hard and easy at the same time. We hugged, and cried a bit, ate, laughed, and hoped.

Kathi and Mr. R shared with us their new plan….put away the doctors, the tests, procedures, the lost hope, invasion of our bodies, and look towards adoption. ADOPTION!!!! ADOPTION!!!! What a wonderful plan!!! We were excited FOR them as we saw the excitement WITHIN them, and we desperately wanted it for us…

I felt relief, as I came to know Kathi did, for now we didn’t have to rely on our own bodies, but could focus on our REAL GOAL, to become mothers and fathers…to raise a family.

Mr. D and I left their house and could talk of nothing else! Could it be true?!? Could we parent a child or children that we didn’t give birth to? We had never discussed it before, but we knew that somehow, this would be an answer to many prayers, prayers made many times while star-gazing in the darkest of nights…and now the light was starting to light up our deepest darkness and illuminate our pathway to becoming parents.

We were about to take a seat on another ROLLER COASTER of life, and once again we were eager for the ride!